David Horowitz updates his resume
David Horowitz, right wing author and former leftist radical, has run out of enemies to attack and has now declared a holy war against himself. "You can only attack Noam Chomsky so many times," he said. "In my case, it was about 450 in the last week alone. Even I'm getting sick of my own propaganda."

Police: No Black Bloc Today
Washington - Authorities here today announced that the much bally-hooed black bloc they had warned the city about, failed to materialize. The city had allocated $4 million to police today's black bloc. An assistant to the police chief related that "We looked around all day. At one point we saw a bunch of people dressed in black and followed them around for an hour, but they turned out to be trade officials on their way to a meeting." A spokesperson for the local anarchists, Ray Heart, said that no black bloc had been planned for today,because the local anarchists were all busy doing food distro and getting ready for tonight's Avail show.

FBI Figures Out "FC"
At an afternoon press conference today in Washington, D.C., FBI Director, Louis Freeh, announced that the FBI had deciphered, after years of work, the Unabomber's mysterious initials. The Unabomber had signed his letters and manifestos as "FC". Earlier speculation had deciphered these letters to stand for "Freedom Club". Freeh announced today that the FBI has determined that "FC" stands for "Fight Club." The FBI thinks that Ted Kaczinski's cabin may have been an early 'Fight Club house" prototype, but Freeh denied any connection between Kaczinski and the Hollywood movie by the same name.

Eugene Anarchists Create Large Iceberg
This week's Antarctic Primitivist Conference took a surprising turn when a group exercise accidentally dislodged an iceberg the size of Nova Scotia. Scientists who study the Ross Ice Shelf expressed shock at the ease in which a convention of "so-called anarchists" could dislodge such a large ice sheet. When pressed for details about what had happened at the meeting, a spokeperson for the group, Feral Fungus, admitted that a workshop was practicing new riot moves and had gotten carried away with the jumping up and down. Another anarchist, Bobby Treesit, expressed hope that the ice sheet would be the "cause of industrial collapse, possibly in Sao Paulo." The APC meeting ends later this week.

Bob Black to Head Department of Labor
In a surprise move today, President Clinton announced the resignation of Secretary of Labor Alexis Herman. Citing her refusal to cease working 60-hour work weeks, Clinton announced that he was looking for a new Secretary who would be a role model for his "bridge to the 21st century." The President said today that he plans to nominate infamous anti-work writer, Bob Black, to the position. Black, who was reached at his New York retreat today, said that he expected no problems with his nomination because "those Congress guys are a bunch of real slackers." Black said that he'd accept the position and promised to call in sick for his first month on the job.

Misspelled Banner Dooms Anti-Capitalist Protest
Anarchists in Detroit this week are pointing fingers at each other after an embarassing gaffe at last week's anti-capitalist protest. A banner which led the black bloc included a mispelled word, which led other activists to denounce the bloc as "illiterate savages." Many of the police dropped their riot gear in laughter as the bloc marched by. The banner was supposed to have read "Revolutionary Anti-Capitalist Bloc," but one of the banner makers had painted an "o" instead of a "u" in 'Revolutionary." Several of the more liberal activists later blamed the poor turnout for the rally on the misspelling.

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